Yes, my best friends know I'm a Hotwife... and girl-talk has never been hotter!

“...a mere handful of hours later, I was dressed in my ‘afternoon tea’ best, pretending I hadn’t spent the previous evening engaged in toe-curling group sex…”

The bride slid the deck of cards across the table and peeled the top one off, turning it towards her. She giggled and cleared her throat, raising her gaze to the women gathered around the table.

“Take a drink if…” she sniggered. “...you’ve ever had a threesome.”

The hens gathered at the party - a sea of friends, mums, sisters, and grandmothers - all joined in the bride’s laughter. Opposite me, in the seat next to the bride, my best friend caught my eye and grinned, raising an eyebrow questioningly at me as she looked pointedly at my drink on the table. Luckily one of the bride’s cousins, sat a couple of seats down from me, distracted the group by taking a generous gulp from her own glass, and I took the opportunity, as they whooped and laughed, to take a surreptitious sip of my own.

Yes, I’d had a threesome. That month, in fact.

Come to think of it, I’d actually spent the evening before engaged in an incredibly erotic couple-swap which saw my husband and I stumbling into bed together at four in the morning. A mere handful of hours later, I was dressed in my ‘afternoon tea’ best, pretending I hadn’t spent the previous evening - and most of the early hours - engaged in toe-curling group sex. God I love this lifestyle.

The deck of cards slid to my best friend next who picked up the next card.

“Take a drink if you’ve had sex today,” she smiled, and another wave of gentle laughter swept through the group as a few others around the table drank. I picked up my glass and polished off the contents, ready for a top-up.

My sister, sitting next to me, leaned towards me and murmured “...with your husband..?”

I shrugged slightly, a small smile playing at the corner of my lips. “Some of the times…” I replied. She elbowed me in the ribs, smothering a grin.

These two women, my best friends in the world, know all about mine and J’s sexy hobby. Later on that day, as the three of us managed to find a quiet moment alone in the hot-tub, I filled them in on some of the details of our couple-meet from the night before - how beautiful she was, how hot it had been watching J between her legs, how erotic it was when her gorgeous husband picked me up, bench-pressing me in one arm as he topped up my champagne with the other...

These girls are best friends in the truest sense of the word; we’ve seen each other through so many things over two decades of friendship, and - importantly - we've never judged. Their support has been incredible to have over the last two years, as J and I have been figuring things out in this lifestyle together.

But was I nervous when I first spilled the beans to them? Absolutely!

As teenagers, one of our mutual friend’s parents were rumoured to be ‘swingers,’ and we would giggle at the ‘keys in a bowl’ stereotype we all assumed to be true. All these years later, I was keen that they understand what J and I had come to learn about this lifestyle of ethical non-monogamy - about the brilliant people in it, the sexiness over sleaziness; and that we were doing this because our relationship was strong enough, not because something was missing.

Their reactions reaffirmed everything I already knew about them. Of course they wanted details, lots of details, and they had questions too, for both of us, but from day one, there was no shock, nobody was appalled or horrified. They're my biggest cheerleaders. J and I both love and appreciate that we can talk to the two of them completely openly about this side of our lives, and it’s been amazing to have friends to share these things with (and to call on for babysitting without having to lie about where we’re going...)

“It honestly wasn’t something I’d ever come across in real life before, so it was all completely new to me,” my sister texted me this week, as I chatted to her about the subject of this week’s blog, asking her if she could remember what her initial thoughts were.

“I remember I had loads of questions at first - not from a place of judgement, but just genuine curiosity about how it all worked, especially within such a loving and supportive relationship like yours. But honestly, you seem closer than ever. It’s like an extra layer to your life that’s fun, open, and you’re in it together - that’s clear to see.

“It’s not a lifestyle I’d personally go for, but when you share stories on girls nights out, it doesn’t feel strange - if anything, you bring the best gossip!”

My other bestie chimed up in the chat in agreement, though she did raise one concern she’d had early on, saying: “I remember I was a little worried at first about the way you were both spending time getting to know the people you were playing with - chatting on messages, and meeting for drinks - and I worried about one of you getting jealous, or even developing feelings. I always assumed it would be better for things to be a little more anonymous, and one-off. However, from watching you navigate it together, I’ve seen how much you communicate, how honest you are, and how that helps walk that fine line. I’ve seen how, by taking the time to find the right ‘third’ or couple, it benefits the actual experience you guys have. Whilst that feels a little riskier to me, I also think if handled the right way, it’s totally worth it.”

I know I’m lucky to have friends like this; friends who respect me enough to be honest about their thoughts and concerns, but who ultimately trust me to make the right decisions for me and my marriage. Thinking about them this week got me thinking about the experiences of others in the lifestyle when 'coming out' to friends. I know there's a whole spectrum of us, from people who live their ENM life loud and proud with a shrug and a "fuck you" to anybody who doesn't understand, to those who guard its secrecy fiercely. To those who fall more into the latter category, I get it. Sex isn't necessarily the easiest thing to talk about as it is, especially for us Brits, many of whom seem to think sex should begin and end in the bedroom, lights out, and under the covers. Throw a bit of kink into the mix, and it's easy to imagine our nearest and dearest running for the hills.

I have lifestyle friends who, like us, have confided in a trusted few, and others who haven't told a soul. Of those who have taken the step of telling people, from what i've heard, many of their confessions have been well received. Though not all. One friend of mine, who has been exploring the lifestyle for about a year, told me recently that a friend of his, who had initially seemed intrigued and perhaps even supportive when he told him, had ended up being quite judgemental about his experiences.

“It’s a bit hypocritical really, considering all his casual encounters, and how common cheating is among vanilla people,” he told me with a shrug.

“I’ve told him that this community does have very responsible people in it, who use protection, test regularly, communicate clearly, and set boundaries. Too often, I think the common misconception for people is that being open-minded must mean you’re easy. And that’s just not true.”

Another person shared with me: “All of our friends and family know and are very understanding, apart from one set of friends who decided they didn’t want to be friends anymore. Their loss if you ask me!”

And that’s exactly right. Because friends who can’t accept a grown-up making informed choices about their own sex life, were never true friends to begin with. It'd be like falling out with a vanilla friend because they decided to take a guy or girl home after meeting on a night out. Bonkers. And what we in the upside-down-pineapple community do often involves more thought, planning, safety, clear consent, and care for all involved.

And, fuck me, is it hot...

Of course, like everything else in this lifestyle, my feelings on the topic of people knowing what we’re into have evolved over time. When we were first starting out, I was convinced nobody outside of the two of us must ever know. We hid it so carefully, and with such paranoia, believing that nobody would understand, and the idea of people finding out and judging us horrified me.

Fast-forward a year, and it's just one more thing that I find I feel completely different about, and that's so freeing. We now have several friends ‘in the know.' We’ve only spoken openly to people we think would be receptive, and we haven’t been disappointed yet. But we’ve both said that the big shift for us has come as the result of unlocking what ENM really is, and what it looks like up close. It’s not some shameful secret, and we don't want to treat it like it is. And, whilst our sex life is still very much our own business, it’s nothing either of us feels the need to keep stuffed in our back pockets. We’re comfortable with the ENM label, and proud to have the kind of marriage that gives us such freedom to play and have fun together - and apart - whilst always maintaining our own unique connection and emotional monogamy.

One friend explained to me: "We didn't tell anyone for the longest time, and it was a source of real stress, always feeling like we were going to be 'found out,' by friends spotting us on apps, or seeing us out on dates. When we did eventually come clean to a handful of mutual friends, they were all so supportive of us, and it's made us a lot less concerned about being inadvertently outed. The people that matter have our backs, and that's all we need!"

Another woman, who entered the lifestyle after ending a 10-year vanilla marriage, told me this week: “I’ve told my mum, sister, closest friends, and a couple of work colleagues! They’re intrigued, supportive, want me to be happy… and some are super envious!

"They had loads of questions for me, of course - how does it work? Where do you meet people? Don’t you get jealous? Is it safe? I love this lifestyle, because all options are on the table, as long as everyone is communicating and happy. It’s the best life decision I ever made.”

And I would echo this. 15 years into our relationship, making the decision to explore ENM together has genuinely been one of the best things J and I have ever done. And the fact that we can share those experiences with the people we're closest to in the world means so much. Because, for us, sex doesn't begin and end in the bedroom. ENM is a big aspect of our relationship - socially and sexually - and not having to keep that part of us hidden means we can focus all of our energy on the fun and sexiness.

So this sunny Saturday, I'm raising a glass to the true friends out there - and to my own two ride-or-dies; the ones for whom ENM might not be their personal choice, but who support and love those of us who just can't get enough of it.

See you next week

- The Secret Hotwife