The Secret Hotwife
Want to know what I did last night..?
I spent the evening kissing a sexy guy in a moody little cocktail bar; the kind of kissing where everything is new and unexplored, filled with teasing, heady desire, and utterly erotic in that way a kiss only is when you’ve never had sex with the person you’re kissing.
The man I was kissing wasn’t my husband, but you’ll be pleased to know he was nearby... sitting right across the table in fact.
If you’d have asked me two years earlier if this scenario was at all likely, I’d have laughed in your face. But then, a lot has happened in two years.
Let’s rewind a little bit, and start with a few things I am not. I’m not a sex addict. I’m not a porn star. I’m not a sex worker, of any kind. I’ve never posted so much as a photo of my foot on OnlyFans. I make no judgement of those who do - “don’t yuck on anyone else’s yum” is a phrase I learned early on in this community - but it’s not my personal cup of tea.
I’m not that mum that dresses inappropriately for the school run, or who embarrasses themselves by getting drunk and flirting with men half my age on the work’s Christmas do. I’m as normal as they come. I could be your best mate. I could be your next door neighbour. I could be your accountant. Well, apart from the fact I’m shit at maths.
What I am is a loved-up wife and a dedicated mum. I have a good job, and absolutely brilliant family and friends - most of whom have absolutely no idea that my husband and I share this saucy little hobby.
I am a hotwife.
If you know what that is, then you’re already further ahead than I was two years ago when my husband told me, somewhat sheepishly, that he fantasised about the idea of watching me have sex with other men.
If you’re less familiar with the term, let’s break it down to brass tacks: a hotwife is a woman who is allowed and encouraged by her husband to pursue sexual relationships with other people. She does this not only with his full consent, but also safe in the knowledge that he gets a lot of personal enjoyment out of the situation. And yes, I'm well aware that sounds like the blurb for a Demi Moore film. The first time I heard it, I couldn’t get the image of a wrinkly Robert Redford out of my head. I highly doubted anyone was going to offer me a million pounds for a night with them in a hotel room, so why would any husband want this? I just didn’t understand how the thought of me with someone else could be a turn-on for him. And more than simply being a fantasy, my husband told me, this was something he hoped I may be interested in exploring as a reality one day…
He would be the first to tell you that my reaction wasn’t great. At close to 40, and nearly 15 years into our marriage, I had no real-world frame of reference for what he was suggesting, outside of a few late-night episodes of Sex and the City - and I’d always been more of a Charlotte than a Samantha. The term ‘compersion’ wasn’t yet in my dictionary (more on this later) and so I was mildly appalled, confused, insecure, and overwhelmed by what he was suggesting.
Which makes our journey since that day all the more stunning. Today, two years on from that first conversation, I am a self-proclaimed hotwife and, hand-on-heart, I’ve never been happier, in every area of my life. My marriage, which was already solid, is stronger, happier, and more connected than ever before. Our sex life has gone from sometimes dwindling - too-often shelved and overwhelmed by ‘real life’ - to ‘off-the-charts’ good. I feel more sexy, confident, and comfortable in my own skin than I ever have, and also more attracted to and in love with my husband.
But how could opening up our sex life make all this happen?
Becoming a hotwife has seen me independently explore and own my sexuality in a way I couldn’t have imagined. Having always been a “relationship girl,” and without a single one night stand under my belt, I just figured I’d missed the boat on that kind of sexual exploration. In the past two years, I have experienced things I would have never thought possible given my preconceived notions of what marriage was, and should be.
We’ve met amazing people in this lifestyle - NHS workers, teachers, solicitors, policemen - and our eyes have been opened to everything this community and this incredible lifestyle has to offer; a lifestyle I didn’t even realise really existed until 18 months ago.
And it’s vast! This is a network of beautiful, intelligent, down-to-earth people in every village, town, and city across this country - and well-beyond - meeting at gorgeous classy events, mixing at socials, attending workshops, parties, and balls. And maybe if you’re in your twenties, that isn’t such a shock, but to a 40-something living in the north of England, let me tell you I was stunned by the life taking place right under my nose that I had somehow never managed to see.
The stats are almost impossible to truly gather, but it’s thought that as many as 5% of British adults have explored ENM (ethical non-monogamy). So if the experiences are this good - and God, they really are this good - then why aren’t more people talking about it? Well, because for so many people, “open relationships” and “swinging” carry a huge stigma - dimly lit backrooms, keys thrown in a bowl... I remember, as a teenager, sniggering about a 50-something couple in our local village that were rumoured to be “swingers.” We’ve chatted to lots of couples over the past year who reveal they could never imagine sharing the truth about their marriage and sexual predilections for fear of what family, friends, work colleagues, etc, would think. “It’s like Fight Club,” one woman told me recently, as we stood chatting in a club, each of us dressed in lingerie and heels and as comfortable as if we’d bumped into one another in the fruit and veg aisle of our local Sainsbury’s. “The first rule of ENM? You do not talk about ENM!”
Which is exactly why, of course, the community is so unbelievably welcoming and friendly, and why some of the best pals we’ve made as adults have come from these events in the past year. Because you can connect in a more real and open way and say things to one another that you would never dream of saying to your ‘vanilla’ friends, and there’s a real freedom in that.
But I do think a change is coming. As more barriers and traditional thinking give way to open conversations, the sharing of experiences, and genuine respect for choice - and with more people taking the time to create their own rules for their own relationships - can true sexual liberation be that far behind? I don’t think so.
So… could you do it? Or at least, do you want to know more? Because there is so much more to tell. From masquerade sex parties, swingers clubs, and stag/vixen experiences, to spanking workshops, three-way dinner-dates, and everything in between…
I’ll see you next week,
The Secret Hotwife
Related Posts
