There is no blueprint for becoming a Hotwife, but this is how I did it... and how you can too

'People aren’t actually scared of non-monogamy. They’re scared of having the conversations that non-monogamy requires.’

When SwingHub posted this statement on its social media last week, the truth of it hit me like a lightning bolt because, to be honest, early on in our ENM journey, the conversations scared the shit out of me.

It’s hard to imagine, as a now-sex-positive blogger, that I ever fell into the camp of “sex is something you do, not something you talk about,” but I did. Which, I’m certain, is why I handled our first conversations about sex outside of our marriage so badly.

So, so badly.

It’s been three years since J revealed to me, as we sat in our living room chatting over glasses of red wine late one Saturday evening, that he thought it would be hot to watch me have sex with another man. I can’t even remember how we had gotten onto the subject of fantasies in the first place, but far from the coy smile and “Mmm sounds sexy!” response I’m sure he would have preferred, I was shocked. His revelation stunned me. At that point, for most of our relationship, J had been kind of a jealous guy. Never possessive, but there was a time he would have really hated the idea of me flirting with someone else. Now here he was talking about me fucking someone else? There was no part of me that believed he was serious. Was it a test? I went straight into reassurance mode, telling him I could never do that, that it wasn’t in me, that I had no interest in sex with someone else, that I never so much as looked at a guy in that way anymore - all things I truly believed at the time, by the way. In short, I shut it down. And if J had never tried to bring it up again, that would have been the end of it, I’m sure.

But he did bring it up again. In the months that followed, J brought the topic to the table quite a few more times, and - just as I had that first night - my instinct was always to stop it as quickly as I could. We’d been together 13 years by then, and married for most of that. We had young children, busy jobs, busy lives. We were happier than most couples we knew, so it’s hard to explain why the conversation triggered panic in me, but it did. It felt like something dangerous coming along out of nowhere to rock the boat of our life together. What was missing that he felt he wanted this? Had I misjudged how happy we were? Was he bored? Was I too vanilla?

I also had no real-life context for what he was suggesting and I think, early on, that was a huge part of the issue for me: It didn’t feel like something that real people actually did (I now know how wrong this is); certainly not couples like us - parents with a young family, both heading towards 40, living in the north of England where even the sight of a gay couple holding hands in the town centre is still enough to draw curious looks in 2025.

For the first six months, my fear - of doing something we wouldn’t be able to take back, I suppose - caused me to shut the conversation down every time, and that caused arguments. A lot of them. I want to be clear that J was never pushy about the fantasy itself. He never put any pressure on me, and was clear that he had no expectation of us actually going through with anything. But he wanted us to be able to talk about it, he wanted an open dialogue. And when I shut the conversation down without even talking about it, I’m sure it felt like I was dismissing him - his thoughts, his feelings, his desires. I understand that now. It’s not something I would have done in any other area of our relationship, but I think sex can sometimes feel like it operates outside of the normal processes of communication and respect that we employ everywhere else.

It doesn’t.

In the months since launching The Secret Hotwife, I’ve had a lot of messages from people - both men and women - curious about the lifestyle and what it entails. They find aspects of it interesting and appealing, but they’re nervous about raising it with their husband or wife - probably because they fear getting the very same reaction from them that J got from me. After all, when the societal norm is that sex in a committed relationship is exclusive, it’s not an easy conversation to instigate with the person you love. When you’re in a happy relationship that you want to protect above all else, it can be scary to put your neck on the line and say ‘I’d like to talk about opening up our sex life,’ or ‘I’d like us to explore the idea of us having sex with other people.’ I wish I’d had more awareness, during that first conversation, of just how vulnerable the person bringing this to the table is in that moment.

Luckily for me, J was unbelievably patient. It took a lot of reassurance from him over several months before we were finally able to have a real conversation about it. And thank god we did, because those early conversations - navigated with a lot of fumbling - lay the groundwork for everything that followed. Three years on, I don’t even recognise where we came from to where we are now.

And that's the part of the journey I’m keen to explore in this week’s blog. Because I’m aware of how vaguely we (the people now within the lifestyle) sometimes present this part of the process - the early conversations and initial steps - to those just starting out. And how intimidating the idea can be. Because if you do make it through those initial conversations, and the interest is there on both sides, how do you then get from that, to building up the security to go about making your fantasies a reality? I’ve said it myself - and heard a lot of other people in the lifestyle say it too - we talk about ‘putting the work in.’ We talk about the importance of communicating. We talk about the many conversations we’ve had, to get us to where we are now... but what do we really mean by that? What is the blueprint for getting from one side to the other?

Of course there isn’t one; no ‘one size fits all’ way to go about this. But there are lots of things that worked for us, and given the journey we went on to get here, I’d say that’s as good a place as any to start.

1. Laying the foundation

When bringing something like this to the table, it's important to go gently, and remember that - however long you’ve been thinking about this, and however long you’ve had to reflect on what it would be like - your partner is hearing about this for the first time, so give them time to absorb it. Be clear that this isn’t about seeking something that’s missing from your relationship. Just the opposite in fact. ENM isn’t easy, it takes constant communication and an open dialogue, which is why so many see it as the icing on the cake of a great relationship and sex life. Every ENM couple I’ve spoken with has agreed that you can only do this if you’re completely solid. Luckily this came into our lives at a time when we were at our best together; we’d built trust up over many years and were an incredibly strong unit. Taking the time, in those initial conversations, to reassure the other person that this is something you’re only interested in exploring if it’s the two of you, in it together as a couple, is an important message. And it only works if you’re both onboard, so that has to mean that if one of you hits a limit, you both have. There were a few times, in those first couple of years, that J reassured me: “We go at the speed of the slowest person,” and that was really helpful. We were a team, and our comfort and happiness was the most important thing, so if we were going to get there, we’d get there when we were both ready. Likewise if, once we’d explored what it was all about, the answer was 'no,' it was a 'no' for both of us. I knew I had the power to pull the plug on it anytime I wanted, as did he, and that has never changed.

2. Talking sex

It took six months, from the idea first being introduced, for our real conversations on the subject to begin. One of the first things we did - and looking back, this was essential - was to start talking - really talking - about sex. I know that sounds obvious, but it wasn’t something that came easily to me. So we started, for the first time in our relationship, really sharing our individual sexual histories. Until that time, past partners had largely been reduced to just a number, but I think we both realised - even then - that there was no way we could think about watching each other have sex with other people, if we couldn’t even talk about having sex with other people. So we played Truth or Dare. We had some drinks and shared stories - some funny, some hot, all things we’d never told each other before. We talked about things that former partners had done that we liked in bed... and the weirdest thing happened: it turned us on. And we had amazing sex. The more we talked and shared, the more it felt like we were unlocking something we’d previously kept behind a brick wall, and as we began pulling the bricks down, it felt amazing. There was an extra intimacy being established between us as it began to feel like there wasn’t anything we couldn’t share with each other.

Of course nobody was talking about ethical non-monogamy, or opening up our sex life, at that point. There was no mention of getting into any sort of ‘lifestyle’ and I don’t think it would have occurred to either one of us. This was a fantasy, it was one night, an itch to be scratched.

3. Playing with the fantasy

Almost as soon as we brought the fantasy into the bedroom, I began to realise how much it appealed to the exhibitionist in me to imagine J watching me with someone else; exploring my body with his eyes as I rode someone, kissed someone, his gaze on me as they pinned me down and fucked me. We had a lot of fun discovering the sexy with it. I was still struggling to imagine us ever doing it in reality, but at least now we were having fun enjoying the fantasy together.

The open dialogue around sex was also starting to have a really positive impact on our sex life. J started lavishing me with lingerie, and we were exploring together with a growing collection of sex toys, playing in a way we never had. We were touching more, kissing more, having more sex, and I was feeling more sexual than I had in years.

We also started playing while we were out and about together, pointing out people we thought were good looking and chatting about how they might fit into one of our fantasies. It was a time of real sexual awakening.

4. Exploring the community

About 9 months in, we decided to set up a couple’s profile on an app called WeAreX, hosted by a brilliant sex-positive company called Killing Kittens, which has a focus on empowered and female-led connections and events. I was the first one to suggest to J that it might be fun to go to a sex party together. We searched through the upcoming events and applied for KK’s Summer Ball in May 2023. That first party wasn’t about anyone but the two of us. There was no talk of us getting involved with or meeting up with anyone; we just wanted to explore a sex-charged environment together and see for ourselves how it felt to be in a space like that, with other people curious about the same kinds of things. I’d seen Eyes Wide Shut and Secret Diary of a Call Girl which had both presented masked sex parties that looked incredibly sexy. The summer ball was white evening wear only, mandatory masks, and was hosted at this big club in London that only revealed its location to those on the guest list two days beforehand. I’ve written about this amazing night before, and it really did live up to the fantasy for both of us. We were nervous but excited, and got really swept up in the eroticism of the event, and ended up having sex together in the playroom surrounded by naked, moaning bodies.

After that we attended a few other workshops and socials together hosted by KK, including a spanking workshop in a London dungeon, which was a lot of fun. It was here, at drinks at a nearby bar afterwards, that we really started chatting to others already in the lifestyle. It gave us a glimpse into the wonderful people exploring the concepts of open marriage and ENM together, seeing for ourselves how normal these people were - couples like us, articulate, intelligent, and friendly, many of them with families. We spoke with doctors, solicitors, therapists, and policemen; all undoubtedly upstanding members of the community... who just so happened to enjoy opening up their sex life to other people. We were starting to really enjoy our sexy hobby, and there was something really hot about having this secret that nobody else knew about. 

5. Getting on the apps

After that first sex party, we decided to try our luck on some of the apps, and see how it felt to actually chat to people who were looking for experiences. WeAreX was the first one we tried, followed by Feeld, and SwingHub. It’s hard to describe how strange it feels when you first start chatting and flirting with someone other than your partner, when you’ve been monogamous for such a long time. That changing of the rules can be quite jarring, and I struggled at first with being flirtatious, even with J sitting next to me with a reassuring smile. The first time he ever left me alone in bed messaging a guy on an app, while he went downstairs for a few minutes to grab us a drink, I really felt like I was doing something wrong. It took some getting used to, getting used to flexing those flirting muscles again, and figuring out how to talk to someone as a ‘Hotwife.’

And this is where some of those conversations we allude to really started to get underway. I think there’s this impression, when we talk about the importance of communicating and setting boundaries, that perhaps there’s a ‘checklist’ somewhere out there that we all sit down with and work through, and of course that’s just not the case. These conversations all happened very organically, step-by-step, as we slowly figured out together how things were going to work for us. With the apps for instance, we agreed we would both have access to the profiles we’d set up and could both see messages. We agreed how often we would catch-up on what was being said in these messages, and what was okay to share with people - what photos, what information. We also have an open-phone policy - and in fact we've always had this, so it's nothing new for us. That doesn’t mean we snoop through each other’s phones, we honestly don’t need to, and never have. But I do know that if I wanted to check something at any time, I can pick up his phone, as he can with me.

Flirting is one thing that has really changed, as not so long ago neither of us would have dreamed of flirting with other people, and especially not in front of each other. While we do have some boundaries - friends, colleagues, and anyone from our regular life together is strictly off limits - we’re now really comfortable checking other people out and flirting in front of each other. J is a charming guy and I’ve always enjoyed the way he talks to women, and seeing how they respond to him. With this sexy hobby of ours, we’ve just taken it up a level. I know he enjoys seeing me flirt with someone, watching my body language change as he can see I’m attracted to them, as much as I enjoy watching him. It's all part of the compersion that makes this lifestyle so enjoyable.

Initially, I was the one who really wanted to keep things very much ‘in a box,’ meaning I only wanted to discuss it at the end of the day when we were catching up on things. I didn’t want to talk about it on date nights - which I saw as 'our time' away from this - or during the daytime when we were working, or when we had kids running around. It felt like something to be kept painstakingly separate from the rest of our lives. I'm honestly not sure, looking back, why I ever felt that way, and I truly don’t anymore. This lifestyle is no longer something I feel the need to keep behind a wall. It’s a part of our life, a part of our open everyday communications with each other, and what I’ve noticed in the last couple of years is that our sex life has become a bigger part of who we are as a couple. It's now more intertwined with the rest of our life together - and I really like that. It's taken me a while to realise that the sexual side of our relationship is nothing to hide. I can be a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a businesswoman... and still be a horny-ass wife and woman who is owning her sexuality.

6. First pangs of lust

The turning points for me - the moments that started me thinking about this fantasy in terms of really wanting to make it a reality - came at two distinct points in our journey. The first was Jordan. I started chatting to Jordan on WeAreX in December 2023. He was hot, sexy, and was fun to chat to. For the first time, I felt a pang of excitement at the thought of us actually doing this with someone like him. The truth is that, in all our previous playing, I’d never had a face to put to the ‘guy,’ the ‘third.’ He was just a faceless fuck, and that wasn’t anywhere near as appealing as it was when suddenly I had a good-looking face and personality to put into the scenario. Although the chat fizzled out in the end - I still wasn’t ready to do anything about it at that point - Jordan was the first guy that made me think: “Mmm…maybe…”

The second turning point came six months later. Early in 2024, we met up with a couple of people that we’d been chatting to on apps for drinks. Those first meets were nerve-wracking, but so much fun. We used those meets to establish our boundaries on yet another level. What were our signals to each other if one of us was uncomfortable and wanted to leave? Who would sit where, should I be closer to J or to the guy? Who would pay for the drinks? If J went to the bathroom and the guy tried to kiss me, was that allowed? Was a hand on the leg okay? I realise that it sounds super low-level, but that was the level of detail we went into early meets with. I think we both felt that in establishing exactly between us what was okay, and what wasn’t, we could relax and enjoy a situation knowing that our bases were covered. It was all about ensuring that we got to the end of any experience - even a drink - happy. And that worked. There was the odd hiccup, of course - always small things, but we always made sure we talked everything out, with minimal blame, and figured out how we could move forwards. That trust has brought us a long way, and things have changed a lot in the past year because of that. We’ve gone from, at one time, neither one of us wanting to be outside the line of sight if the other was kissing someone, to now having a blanket ‘flirt, touch, kiss’ policy, meaning we’re both allowed to flirt, touch, and kiss anyone we like, and anywhere we like, without checking in first - though debriefing is essential (and a hell of lot of fun!) That means that if I'm away on a business trip, and some hot guy starts chatting me up in the hotel bar, I don't need to message J until I'm considering inviting him back to my hotel room. We obviously didn’t start out that way! We did it by building up slowly, and checking in with each other every step of the way about how we both felt about it.

So, back to that second turning point. It was June 2024, and we'd arranged drinks with a guy called Mark I'd been chatting to on Feeld. We were two years on from that first conversation that started everything off, and both much more comfortable and confident with what we were doing, though we'd yet to find someone that made us want to take the next step. Mark was funny, handsome, friendly, and he and I had had some fun chatting for a couple of weeks on Feeld by the time we all met that Thursday evening at a cocktail bar in the city. When he walked in the door - tall, as sexy as his pictures suggested, and with a meltingly-hot Irish accent - my stomach flipped. That night pushed us over the finish line of the build-up section of our journey. By the time we said goodbye to Mark four hours later, I was ready to book the hotel room. I don't regret for a second taking our time the way we did - our first 'stag/vixen' experience with Mark, a few weeks later, was amazing, and set the bar for everything that followed.

And now, months on from that night and having loved every experience J and I have had together since, the one thing I can say confidently is that the communication never stops. It’s not like one day you’ll get to the bottom of your checklist and decide you’ve discussed everything you need to. Things are always changing, always evolving. That’s how we get from ‘one stag/vixen fantasy one night,’ to being an ENM couple that has explored solo dates, threesomes, and couple swaps.

At the end of the day, we’re animals, and when it comes to sex there’s so much instinct and chemistry involved. What we’re doing in this lifestyle is giving ourselves, and each other, a chance to really explore and enjoy those instincts and desires, but we’re being careful to do it in a way that is controlled by communication and guidelines, and that takes into account the emotions and connection of the most important people involved - us.

For that reason, the talking never stops. And, luckily, neither does the amazing sex...

See you next week

- The Secret Hotwife