The Dos and Don'ts of ENM dating apps

Feeld, #Open, Hinge - these days there are any number of sex-positive dating apps that have non-monogamy listed as a filter, which certainly makes it easier to throw your fishing line into the ENM-sea and see what's out there.

Which is how, after 15 years of monogamy, I found myself, back in early 2023, nervously uploading a profile photo, a couple of lines of bio, and trying to get to grips with dating apps for the very first time. Back when J and I got together in 2010, people still mostly met in bars, or at work, and online dating was very-much considered a novelty. Nobody's 'meet-cutes' started with "So I connected with this fit guy on Bumble..." or "I'm going on a hike with a hottie from Hinge this weekend..."

It's a whole new world. What I've learned about navigating your way on ENM dating apps is that it's all about trial and error, and after 18 months of exploring, I’ve definitely picked up a thing or two...

I've seen some truly terrible bios, questioned the sanity behind many a photo choice, and received messages and pings I can't imagine would ever elicit a response. From anyone.

I've also connected with some brilliant and incredibly sexy people, which has led to some of the most erotic fun J and I have ever had. You take the good with the bad.

The truth is that most dating apps are a numbers game, so the more you can do to increase the number of positive connections you make, the more likely you are to find people who are a good fit for you - whatever your situation.

As a straight, married woman, looking to connect with straight men, that's obviously where the bulk of my insights come from, but I do feel the things I've learned will translate - whatever your dynamic.

So whether you're just starting out, or looking to up-your-game and bag some more red-hot connections, read on...

PHOTOS

Let’s be honest, before there’s anything else - any conversation, any perusal of your bio, any opportunity for your sparkling personality to bring a man or woman to their knees - there are photos. So choose wisely! If you don’t have any good ones, ladies, you can either go down the route of booking a boudoir shoot - I did this, and men nearly always comment on the quality of the pics on my profile - or throw some lingerie on at home, grab your phone, and make a night of it. I’ve done this too, and it’s a lot of fun.

If you’re in a position where you can include a face picture, do it - and make sure it’s in your first photo position. Guys, girls tend to get inundated on these apps, and if she’s working her way through a couple of hundred likes, the guy with no face pictures is the one that’s easy to swipe away.

That being said, you shouldn’t share anything you're not ready to share. If you have concerns about putting your face out there in the early stages - whether due to work or personal reasons - then leave the face pics, but do take the time to get some good photos of yourself. Better to blur your face or crop it out than simply upload random close-ups of your hand, your ear, your nipple, or your feet. (Yes, I’ve seen all of these. This week, alone.)

If there’s more than one person in the picture, make it clear which one is you. And also make sure that the first photo on display puts the best of you across. You might think that the photo where you’re laughing and beer is shooting out of your nose, or the one where you’re dressed as a character from The Rocky Horror Picture Show for Halloween show that you’re good for a laugh, but don’t risk it being the only one of you they see. Best foot forward. Women are overwhelmed with choice and have the option to very quickly swipe away if they can’t get a good feel for how you look. Don’t make it easy for them to dismiss you.

If you are keeping your profile anonymous, you’ll probably have to be prepared to share some face pics at some point however, if your chat is going well. Everyone deserves to know who they’re going to be meeting before it gets to that point.

Finally, don’t be offended if someone asks for a face picture quite quickly. Attraction matters, and I’d much rather know early on whether or not I’m physically someone’s cup of tea.

BIOS

I know bios can be a pain to write, but it’s well worth investing a little time in it when you first get on an app (plus you can copy and paste between apps). I’m not talking about listing your favourite colour, favourite movie, or describing your dream date. Unless it's dirty.

On ENM apps, people want to know whether you’re single or in a relationship, whether you’re new to the lifestyle or more experienced, and what it is you’re looking for - couples, singles? Do you play alone or together?

The people that always catch my eye are the ones that I can tell have read my bio. If they pick up on some detail in there and reference it - to make a joke, or show interest in something I’ve mentioned - they’re much more likely to get my attention. And if their bio is clear and lists the above - plus has a great photo in the first spot - I'm probably connecting.

Finally, don’t worry about writing too much; no one wants to wade through War & Peace, they just want to know if you’re on the same page as them.

SEXTING - NOT TOO MUCH, NOT TOO LITTLE...

Yes, these are sex-positive apps that people in ENM relationships use to connect with people they want to have sex with… but there’s no need to dive straight into the sex all hot and heavy! If a good looking guy connects with me, and his opening line is ‘Love your profile, would love to bend you over and fuck you hard…’ that’s an instant disconnect.

Likewise - and obviously this is different for everybody - I’m not looking for someone’s life story. If a guy wants to tell me about how he and his wife got into ENM, what experiences they’ve had, what they’re looking for, and what they enjoy, I’m all ears!

If, however, he drives the conversation towards the job interview he’s prepping for, his most recent day out with his kids, and why his best friend is currently not talking to him… that’s probably more information than I need. There’s a fine line. Yes, I want a connection, I want someone I like and can talk to, someone interesting with something to say, and I do want to know about them to an extent… but this is not dating. I don’t need to know too much about your vanilla life. Talk to them about sex, talk to them about your relationship - if that doesn’t cross any lines for you - but don’t ask their opinion on what to buy your mum for her birthday.

DOUBLE-CHECK

Okay, I’m a journalist so this one may be specific to me, but I would always say to take a moment to check your messages before sending. I’m not talking about a misplaced comma or a typo, but if a guy tells me ‘You will my dick deep…’ I don’t want to be trying to guess exactly what I’m going to be doing with this dick. This is especially true when people get a bit excited during sexting; it's easy to get carried away and for things to get a bit jumbled. Slow it down and be clear.

It can also be easy, if you have a few conversations on the go, to mix up the details of one person you’re talking to with another. If in doubt, go back through the messages and check that the detail you’re about to reference is to do with the person you’re actually talking to.

ARRANGING TO MEET

How soon is too soon? I’d say, whenever it feels right, and that’s probably going to be different for every person you talk to. I’ve seen people on SwingHub putting out feelers for somebody to meet up with in two hours time. Personally I like to go a little slower. The first guy we ever hooked up with we were chatting to for close to two months - and met twice for drinks - before anything happened.

These days I find I can establish good vibes pretty quickly. A lot of the chats that I engage in die out pretty quickly, so if we’re still doing a back-and-forth around 12 messages in, that’s a good sign. They almost all seem to start the same way:

Hey, great profile

Hey, thanks, you too. How are you?

Good thanks. What are you looking for on here?

I’m looking to….(insert relevant details)...how about you?

Yeah me too, (blah blah…)

And… a lot of them end there. As I said before, it’s a numbers game where most chats come to nothing. When there’s a good vibe though, it’s exciting. There's a guy I'm chatting with at the moment; three days in and we're already trying to see when we can squeeze a meet in. When someone feels good, you can usually tell quite quickly - at least that's how it's been in my experience. Likewise I cancelled drinks with a guy two weekends ago because - despite him coming across largely quite well - there were just a couple of small things that didn’t sit quite right with me. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I’ve learned to trust my instincts.

RESPECT IS KEY

I’ve had men assume J and I are into cuckolding, and start telling me how much better they will be than him, how much bigger they will be than him. I realise there are plenty of people out there for whom that would work, but we’re very clear that humiliation and cuckold is not our kink, so it’s worth taking the time to check. If a man shows respect for my husband, that’s instant points. Likewise ladies, I’m always incredibly respectful and complimentary of a guy’s partner, if he has one. She’s the ultimate in his eyes - as it should be - so she deserves your respect.

I'm also going to put unsolicited dick-pics under this heading. I'm all for these - when invited. However, when they're dropping into a chat before we've even said hi, not cool.

LOCATION SETTINGS

I understand the temptation, especially when you first get on an app, to try and attract a big pool of people. “Ahh England’s not that big, I’ll chuck a couple of hundred mile radius on there…” But the reality is, if you’re constantly connecting with people 70, 100, 160 miles away, it makes it very difficult - unless you travel a lot for work and get to those places regularly - to set up drinks and meets. I’d really recommend starting small, 20-30 miles, and see what’s happening around you locally first.

Also remember that some apps pick up your current location, which is great if you’re in London for the week and want to arrange to meet some people; less great if you’re there for one day for work and it fills your apps up with connections 200 miles from where you live. I‘d recommend not opening the app anywhere you don’t want to connect with people.

So there you have it - the first steps to happy-apping! If you have any app insights of your own to add, let me know!

See you next week,

- The Secret Hotwife