Sex: 'hot and anonymous,' or 'connection and desire?'

“I’d be infinitely more turned on by an attractive guy squeezing my knee as we chat or laying his hand on my lower back at the bar, than by a guy I’ve just laid eyes on - no matter how hot he is - squeezing my ass as he slides his cock into me.”

At the end of the day, sex is sex. Once underway, the physical act of whatever sex with that person will be is usually the same, no matter how you got there. What I’m talking about is the build-up. Do you need it, or don’t you? Does build-up make the sex better? Hotter? Does it turn you on more? Are you more likely to cum? Or does the thrill of a hot body, a hot face give you everything you need, even if you’ve only just clapped eyes on each other minutes, or seconds, earlier?

Not sure? Okay, let’s break it down.

Would you be just as turned on meeting the eyes of a hot guy in a playroom, who then makes a beeline for you and starts kissing you, as you would if you spent an hour chatting and flirting and teasing with the same guy over drinks before things escalated?

Would you get off on the thrill of anonymous orgy sex with five seriously hot guys… that you’d struggle to pick out of a line-up later? Or would you prefer to build up a steamy flirtation with one or two seriously hot guys, knowing how much they want you, how hard they’re getting for your body, looking them in the eyes knowing full well all the things you’re excited to do to each other when you finally can?

By the way, there’s no wrong answer. And in this lifestyle, between consenting adults, all of those things are on offer. There’s no need to choose unless you want to! It just so happens that the best sex I’ve had has come from men I’ve had flirtation with, shared drinks with, laughed with, men who’ve smiled at me, who’ve caught and held my gaze for a second too long in that way that makes me bite my lip and think ‘fuuuuck…..’.

Flirtation and build-up is so much fun. Personally I’d be infinitely more turned on by an attractive guy squeezing my knee as we chat or laying his hand on my lower back at the bar, than by a guy I’ve just laid eyes on (no matter how hot he is) squeezing my ass as he slides his cock into me.

(Don’t get me wrong. I love my ass being squeezed, ass-squeezing during sex is one of the things most likely to push me over the edge. Weird, but true...)

Since this lifestyle is all about great sex, I know from experience that taking the time to build up sexy tension with someone I’m attracted to will always lead to a more erotic and orgasmic experience.

So why is that?

I think the main argument, for me, is that I’m not aroused by the idea of ‘random.’ I don’t want to feel that, if I hadn’t walked into the playroom, the guy who currently has his hands all over my body would have been having just as good a time with the next woman who entered.

It goes back to the quote I highlighted in last week’s blog, from the intro of Want: “My number one fantasy is to be made to feel like I am utterly desired. Not because it’s just another naked body, but because it’s me and my body…”

And it goes both ways, when I can attach a personality and good vibes to an attractive guy, his attractiveness spills over. It is him that I want between my legs, under my body, for that moment, that night. Him that is making me orgasm. He’s not just a human fuck-toy.

Recently I was engaged in a four-way message chat with J and I, and another couple - who we haven’t as yet met, but have spoken to on messages and a video call - teasing and tormenting each other, swapping photos, swapping videos, exchanging flirty comments, and sexy gifs in the middle of a Saturday afternoon. It got to the point where all four of us were so turned on. It was so incredibly hot... And the build-up of those chats has been so much more exciting than if that same super-hot couple had walked up to us in a club and just invited us to get it on. We can’t wait to meet them in person. And it’s that anticipation, the kind that tinges each day in the run-up with a glow of horniness and expectation, that we’re seeking.

“I absolutely love the build to a meet-up,” agreed one lifestyle friend recently, as I picked her brain for this upcoming column.

“For me, emotional connection is needed to unlock sexual intimacy. It’s an essential prerequisite to good sex. To meet a random person and have spontaneous sex - which might be exactly what others are looking for - for me, misses out on a really significant part of the erotic build, and ultimately the spark, energy, and intensity of the sex.”

And she’s the first to admit that this wasn’t always her thinking.

“When my husband and I were starting out in this lifestyle, I said I was not here to “make friends” or become too close to people,” she explains.

“My priority was ensuring that our marriage was safe and protected. I didn’t want to think of my husband building an emotional connection with another person, and he said the same about me. But… what I‘ve discovered is that, without a certain level of desire and connection, the sex will never be as good! It’s a fine balance to strike, but when you do… it’s amazing!”

And the more lifestyle people I spoke to, the more it seemed people were falling on the side of ‘quality over quantity.’ In fact a poll I carried out just this week revealed that 74% of responders would choose desire and building a connection over 26% that would opt for a hot and anonymous encounter.

“Quality over quantity every time, I want attraction!” @naughty_librarian told me.

“For me, sex is a connection. It’s different from a relationship - I’m not dating these people but I have to know them and like them.”

Another friend insisted: “Connection is a must-have - I want good laughs and sexy vibes on all levels! Every girl wants to feel wanted and sexy, and not to just be a hump toy to someone who’s jumping anything and everything.”

Others shared that it is a mixture of the two experiences to give them the spice that they crave.

“Definitely depends on my mood,” said @flashinghotwife.

“Meeting strangers for sex on the club nights is like adding a live toy to our sex life, then other times I just want to be adored by more than one man.”

@swingbabe1290 was quick to agree: “I like a mixture of both in this pineapple life. Going to a club and meeting new people is definitely exciting and you know straight away if there’s some spicy chemistry there, then it’s the anticipation of waiting to go and play.

“But I also love building a connection before playing and getting to know people more. It’s fun to have a group chat and send spicy photos, and see if there’s a vibe there.”

Another friend revealed: “Yes I think I’m probably a bit of a mix to be honest. My husband and I started off in clubs and, without them, we wouldn’t have met some of the people we have - the ones we’ve gone on to build connections and have continued meets with. For me personally, I found it easier to build my confidence in the clubs, and I love that feeling when I can see someone looking at me with desire from across a room. Plus I find the apps quite hard work and I’m shit at replying to messages!”

“Hot and anonymous every time!” one woman chimed in decidedly.

“Men can be really clingy. I don’t need boyfriends,” she laughed.

One man I spoke to, who explained that he and his wife are still quite new to the lifestyle, said he felt that ‘hot and anonymous’ would help them both to keep any new experiences ‘ in their sexual box’ and away from feeling as though they were building some sort of a relationship with someone.

“I understand having a connection would make it more comfortable,” he mused.

“But then for me it would toe the line of building a relationship rather than a fun, exciting sexual experience...”

Another man who opted for ‘hot and anonymous’ explained the feeling of intense chemistry with someone you’ve only just met is, for him, what makes an encounter interesting and exciting.

“Chemistry when you first meet someone is nothing like when you’ve been speaking with someone for a while. Seeing someone hot and thinking “fuck, I’d love to rip your clothes off right now...” personally does it for me a lot more.”

So would I ever go down the ‘hot and anonymous’ route? Well… I certainly wouldn’t rule it out. We all know there is no ‘right way,’ and no ‘one size fits all’ in this lifestyle - and I believe that's true even just in the context of myself. I’ve seen firsthand how my desires have changed over time as my own limits, fantasies, and comfort levels shift and adapt. Who knows? It could be that six months from now I’m filling you all in on the incredible hot sex I had with a completely anonymous man or men I’d just met in a party playroom. I’m not ruling it out! It just isn’t my preference right now.

At the end of the day, I'm here for great sex with great people, which I think is one thing everyone in this lifestyle has in common.

How we get there is different for everybody.

See you next week

- The Secret Hotwife