The Secret Hotwife
"It's the unsolicited dick pics, the interesting conversations that fizzle out, the dates that don’t show up, and the DMs that start with ‘Hi. I’d like to put my 9-inch cock in your pussy…’ - that mean the sexiness in this lifestyle sometimes ebbs and flows..."
“Hey! Happy Friday guys! Loving the profile - Beau here... :)’
I roll my eyes so hard I can almost hear them squeaking in the back of my head. ‘Beau,’ you see, is ‘Steve,’ or at least he was when he first introduced himself to me six months ago. We were messaging for about a month before we arranged to meet for a drink one Tuesday evening. Four days before we were due to meet, he disappeared, never to be heard from again.
The photos on his new profile are the same - only the name is different. He clearly hasn’t given my photos more than a cursory glance or he might recognise the woman he was due to meet at a nearby village pub at 7pm on December 17th.
Fuck you, Beau. *Block.*
Sadly there are quite a few Beaus out there, slithering around on the apps. I wish it was easier to identify them, but the truth is - for the most part - Beaus present as pretty normal guys on first appearance. Only time, and a little experience, will reveal them. And it is the Beaus of the world - along with the unsolicited dick-pics, the interesting conversations that fizzle out, the dates that don’t show up, and the DMs that start with ‘Hi. I’d like to put my 9-inch cock in your pussy…’ - that means the sexiness in this lifestyle sometimes ebbs and flows.
Because as fantastic as it is - ohhh and it is! - it can also be a lot. I've been experiencing a little Hotwife burnout in recent weeks. There are only so many dick-pics by way of greetings that a girl can see before she needs a breather, turning her focus to vanilla life for a while for a change of scenery.
Even if you’re not experiencing any of the above nonsense, there are plenty of times when life gets busy, and the last thing I have the energy for - on top of dealing with my job, looking after my kids, and making time for my husband, family, and friends - is sending fun and flirty messages to ‘Rob from Newcastle.’ Sorry Rob.
It’s like that book, ‘He’s just not that into you’ - remember that? Okay, so sometimes... you’re just not that into it. And, it's important to remember, that’s okay! That’s why they call it a lifestyle; it’s long-term, it’s day-to-day living, and what I’ve learned is that you can’t be ‘on’ all the time. Nobody can. In the same way that, one Friday, you’re uncorking the wine, lighting some candles, and thinking about fucking your husband on the kitchen island as soon as the kids are in bed... and other Fridays all you feel like doing is sinking onto the sofa with a tub of ice-cream in cosy PJs and binging Severance Season 2.
That’s life(style).
J and I are coming off the back of an inadvertent quieter period. We were really hot and heavy into everything in the last six months of 2024, then 2025 hit, and we had so many sexy plans. However, thanks to frustrating interactions with a couple of Beau-type characters, some plans getting cancelled - including our first (and only, so far) big party of the year - and, annoyingly, being stood up by a guy one Saturday, hours after he’d text to confirm the time, our enthusiasm for it all has been a little low. Our pineapple, it has felt like, has been flipped the right way up for most of the year so far. But I know we’re not alone in this. A message I posted on Instagram yesterday, asking lifestyle folks what things sometimes take some of the sexy out of this sexy hobby, had a flurry of responses:
‘Ghosting drives me mad!’ one woman responded. ‘Especially when someone’s app bio claims they’re ‘big into communication…’
'Yep! Ghosted and being ignored for us,' one couple chimed in.
‘Fakes and flakes!’ said another, while many more agreed that the practicalities of real life are often the cause of a dip in activity.
‘Work and kids! Being a Bull with three sons, life can get busy!’
‘Childcare!’
‘General life admin. We are both separated parents, so looking after the kids on most weekends.’
‘Being overwhelmed in normal life.’
‘A busy life.’
‘Normal life, which we love so it’s not a complaint. Just prevents lots of plans.’
One friend of mine hit the nail on the head, saying: 'Definitely the chat fizzling out after a strong start. It genuinely makes me sad.' Me too!
The answer seems to lie in riding the waves. And the peaks of the waves are what makes it worth it. Spending an unbelievably hot night in a hotel room with a gorgeous couple last month? Worth it. A solo Hotwife date with a sexy guy last night? Worth it. Oh we're doing okay! And I think the key, for us, has been in allowing a bit of downtime when the sex-factor hasn't quite been there, rather than trying to force something.
So if the ‘pineapple admin’ - i.e. the messaging, the early ‘small talk,’ the sifting through connections, making up excuses to babysitters to arrange first drinks, etc - sometimes feels like it’s all getting a bit much, give yourself a break. It’ll be there when you get back, and nobody can be ‘on’ all the time.
Sometimes you just need to slip into the cosy PJs with a tub of ice cream.
Personally, after a little ice cream break, I’m feeling refreshed and ready to don some lingerie and get my strut on at a party or two. I've missed you people! See you all out there soon... ;)
- The Secret Hotwife
GREAT read! We've defo felt a shift, it's almost come as we're exactly a year in the lifestyle. Now we know what we want, what we expect and what we'll accept, it appears we've become more conscious of the bad chat, the ghosting etc.
I didn’t know how much I needed to read this! I haven’t even started meeting people yet and I’m already confused. I defo need time to recalibrate and get my less confused sexy back. Thank you 🙏🏼 x