The Secret Hotwife
“There’s a line between fucking and fucking-it-up that we work very hard not to cross…”
There seems to be this common misconception amongst people not in the lifestyle that people in sexually-open relationships, people exploring ENM, (aka, swingers) don’t take sex all that seriously.
Perhaps it dates back to the days of the randomness of keys thrown in a bowl at a party, but there’s this mainstream societal idea that sexually-open people are stumbling into rooms at sex parties and falling onto the nearest available body part, not even bothering to take the time to check first who it’s attached to.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are as many different types of people within the swinging lifestyle as there are in any other. There are absolutely people who are happy to stumble into a room at a sex party and fall onto the nearest available body part. I’m sure of it. But it’s far from the norm. There is, I would stress, a key difference between being sexually open and being sexually casual.
As a person currently exploring ENM with my husband - meaning that I sleep with men other than my husband within our marriage - I obviously like sex. A lot. But I would never say I have a casual attitude to it. On the contrary, I take sex - and all my decisions around it - very seriously. A lot of the people that I’ve met in this lifestyle are the same, and are really quite discerning as to who they welcome into their beds, bodies, and marriages.
Sex is all about pleasure, and - for me - that kind of pleasure can only be achieved in the way I want it to be when certain things come together. And that can take a little bit of work. Physical pleasure often starts in the mind, which is why I seek out chemistry and connection. I want to be aroused. I want to fancy the person I’m having sex with. I want butterflies when they run their fingers up my thigh, and a throb of lust as they kiss me for the first time.
There’s nothing random about it.
For this reason, none of our experiences so far have been enormously quick. They’ve all involved a few weeks of chat on text and at least one pre-meet. And the nights themselves have all involved drinks and talking and flirting and foreplay before the main event which - because we’ve taken the time to build a rapport - has always been fucking sensational.
J and I are both very focused on respect for everyone involved, everyone having a great time, consent (especially when it comes to things like photos and videos) - and safe sex is absolutely key. We’re careful, and we test regularly.
Apart from physical safety, the other reason we take sex so seriously is to protect the most important factor in all this, the thing that comes above all else - our marriage. J knows that he’s my priority always, my number one, and I know the same from him. While there is attraction, friendliness, and a genuine ‘like’ for every person we’ve explored with, there are no feelings. I don’t want to invite them over for dinner, or go watch a film with them (unless it’s dirty). The people we play with have a very specific place in our lives - as we do in theirs. And that’s how it works for us. That’s how we’re able to do this unbelievably sexy, erotic, and fun thing together.
Boundaries are something we consider carefully before everything we do. That’s been especially true in this first year of really exploring together because there have been more things to test; more new things to feel our way through. Every meet, every party, every social, there are clear conversations in advance about what we’re both happy with. What are our hard boundaries? What are our soft boundaries? What’s utterly green-lit for us both? By taking the time to do this, we avoid screw-ups and can both relax and enjoy where the evening takes us.
There’s a line between fucking and fucking-it-up that we work very hard not to cross.
These days we’re fairly aligned in our desires and fantasies (we once weren’t - more on this later). We love everything we’ve experienced so far, and every positive experience moves the goalposts a little more, opening us up to more things we want to try. Solo dates, threesomes, couple swaps… I also really love the idea of watching J with another girl. He’s kissed a handful of other girls in front of me before, but I recently saw him kiss a girl that was someone I knew he was really attracted to. It came at the end of a long social night with a group of friends who are also all in the lifestyle. We met for dinner and drinks, did some dares, had some fun, and all ended up back in one of the couple’s hotel suites until 4am - drinking, laughing, and playing a silly version of ‘spin-the-bottle-truth-or-dare.’ This particular kiss wasn’t part of any dare - they’d just wanted to kiss each other. It was so hot to sit there and watch J kissing someone else; to see his lips on hers, her body pressing into him, while both her husband and I watched on.
We’ve met a lot of really great people in this lifestyle, and this friendship group in particular is filled with people who are all of a similar age, and a similar length of time within the lifestyle - and yet there is every level of experience in the mix. There’s one couple who hasn’t, as yet, really done anything with anyone else, and they’re proceeding very carefully. They remind me of us six months ago. There’s another couple that has a lot of experience with couples and women. There’s one couple that has been doing this for years, way back before they had kids, and now their kids are older they’re back revisiting and playing and exploring again. There are very established boundaries, as well as ones that are very new and are still being worked through. Every level is respected. Nobody in that group takes sex lightly, because it isn’t something to be taken lightly, not when there is a marriage in the middle of it.
That doesn’t, however, mean it can’t be fun… God please tell me I’ve mentioned in these last few hundred words just how much fun it is?! Because that’s the exact point I’m making here; that if you take sex seriously, if you communicate and put in the effort together, and protect what matters, just look at the fun you get to have.
ENM has become a shared hobby for J and I. We love attending socials and parties, meeting people, chatting and flirting over messages, and teasing and toying with each other as we see what the next adventure we’re going to explore together is. It makes us feel 18 again. We have all the love and security of our marriage, but with a giant dose of novelty and butterflies. Our sex life is better now even than when we first got together. Everything is more open, more right on the cusp of sexy. In the last two years, it’s like we’ve taken sex from being the thing that is done behind closed doors, late at night, when the kids are in bed, once all the work is done, when the house is tidy, when no one is too tired… (sound familiar?) and we’ve pulled it from that hole and brought it into our regular life. J and I will grab each other now and make-out while dinner is cooking, we’ll stop and have sex in the middle of a work day, we’ll send each other flirty messages and dirty photos. Our sex life is more alive, present, sensual, erotic, passionate, and fucking amazing than its ever been. And the reason for that is because we take it seriously.
Which is exactly why we won’t be stopping anytime soon…
See you next week,
- The Secret Hotwife
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