6 steps to building your ENM relationship

"It's time to get really, really, really comfortable talking about sex. This is no time to be coy..."

Okay, so you've had that initial discussion, and you've both registered your 'interest,' so...what next? How do you begin? Here are six tips to taking your first steps towards building your ENM relationship...

1. COMMUNICATION

Yes it sounds like a bullshit first point - of course it does; like something that appears on every corporate ‘how to’ guide ever written.

But this is really fucking serious. (Maybe if I throw an f-bomb in there, you’ll realise that I really, really, really mean it.)

I was never that comfortable talking about sex. It always felt like something that was better to ‘do’ than ‘talk about.’ But the truth is, there’s no way you can even begin to head down the complex road of opening up your sex life whilst keeping your relationship and marriage safe, making sure everybody is happy, that your boundaries and clear, and everybody is getting what they want and need… without thorough communication, so it’s time to get really, really, really comfortable talking about sex. This is no time to be coy.

And be honest. There are probably going to be times when things are moving in a direction or at a speed that you’re not entirely comfortable with. Honesty is really important. Don’t say something is for you if it isn’t. We learned to work really hard at not putting pressure on each other to feel any particular way about things. ENM can be incredible, but there have to be serious rules to making something like that work. And communication and honesty are no joke; they’re right at the top of the pack.

2. REFRAMING

When I started out in ENM, so many of my doubts were linked to traditional ideas of how things should be. ‘People don’t do that,’ ‘that’s not normal,’ ‘I can’t be married and have this...’

As it turns out, not how I really feel, but how I thought I should, because we’re all a product of the ideas and traditions and societal norms that have been poured into us throughout our lives, it took me a while to get out of my own way and figure out what I really thought, and what I really wanted.

Spending time around other people within the lifestyle helped enormously with that, and helped me to normalise many of the things that I wasn’t sure it was really okay for me to want and to enjoy, so I recommend surrounding yourself with good people who get it.

This also means being careful not to share too much too soon with friends who you know will throw a bucket of cold judgement on your hottest fantasies. Give you and your partner the chance to figure out how you feel about it before opening up the floor to anyone else.

3. THE APPS

“Do I really have to go on the apps…?”

If there’s a way to do it without, I’ve yet to find it!

But don’t worry, we’ve come a long way from the days of noughties internet dating. There are brilliant sex positive apps out there designed for people interested in chatting with people who get it. You can try your luck in the bars, by all means. Maybe you’ll stumble across the perfect guy or girl who - once you’ve explained exactly what ENM is, how it works, and the dynamics and importance of your existing relationship - will go on to be the perfect third. But personally I’d much rather head to an app where everybody already understands the deal, because they’re all there for the same reason, and I can feature a nice succinct 200-word bio that lays down everything I want people to know about me and my husband. And filter them out. And disconnect from people I’m not clicking with at the tap of a button. Ohhh yes.

My favourite apps are WeAreX and Feeld, but there are plenty of good ones. I’ve heard great things about Bumble, and - as a way of mixing with the community - I’m also a fan of SwingHub.

4. GET SOCIAL

Get out there and meet people. There’s nothing like immersing yourself in the lifestyle, and chatting to the people within it, to help you figure out whether it’s for you. In our first year, we met so many different people, all across the country, from all walks of life, all at different stages of their ENM journey. If you and your partner are toying with the idea of ENM, I cannot implore you enough to get yourselves booked into a local social.

So what exactly is a social?

Or maybe it would be better to start with what it isn’t.

It’s not a sex party. You don’t have to take any clothes off, or do and say anything you don’t want to. You’re not going to see people having sex in dark corners, or find yourself put on the spot in any way.

Instead, it’s exactly what it sounds like; an opportunity to socialise with other people interested in the same kinds of things, including many other people for whom this will also be their first time. Socials are usually held in city centre bars and - from the outside - look like any other social gathering. People chat, have a drink, it’s all very informal. Sometimes there is live music, or acts performing - like drag or burlesque. People usually dress up for a night out, or sometimes there’s a theme to break the ice. Often there is a pre-chat group on an app like Telegram so that you can socialise online first with the people you’ll meet on the night. It’s a great way to see what’s going on in a no-pressure way. Some socials do have an after-party where those who are interested can go to play, but not all of them, and plenty of people choose to go home or go elsewhere after the social part of the night. (I highly recommend Corruption Events if you’re in the north of England!)

5. SETTING EXPECTATIONS

Boundaries is a big one. It’s all well and good deciding you’re going to ‘dip your toe’ into the lifestyle together - but what does that look like? What do you both want out of it? How flexible are you willing to be?

When we came to the lifestyle, it was to experience one specific thing, and we're now open to exploring so many others. Our boundaries have evolved and changed beyond all recognition since we started, and that’s okay. We’ve moved slowly, and every great experience we’ve had has moved the goalposts a little for us. It’s a journey that has only brought us closer, but it’s been essential to make sure we’re always on the same page.

When it comes to setting boundaries, be clear about what you want. If you find that changing, be clear about that too. It’s easy to worry about hurt feelings and crossing lines, especially early on when you’re both still trying to figure out what is okay to say. For example, it might be fine - sexy, even - for your other half to point out someone they think is attractive when you’re at a social together, but maybe less so on a romantic date night. Where is the line for the two of you? There’s no wrong answer, it’s different for every couple. I’ve met couples who’ve fooled around with friends and other couples they know, and just as many who would never dream of dipping their toes in their ‘personal life’ pool. Likewise you may be comfortable with your husband or wife sending messages to other people, but maybe not while you’re laid in bed together at the end of the night… or maybe especially when you’re laid in bed together at the end of the night! It’s important to establish everything - the importance of checking in, reclaiming, aftercare, at what point are you going to debrief? If you’re each messaging other people, how often are you going to catch each other up on what has been said? Do you have an open phone policy? What pictures are okay to send? What information is okay to share?

I know it sounds exhausting, but once you’ve committed to an open dialogue and laid the groundwork for how you communicate these things, it really does flow organically and most boundaries will be addressed easily - even sexily - as you go along.

6. HAVE FUN WITH IT

Back before we knew if this was something we wanted to do for real, we played and experimented together to see what felt good. There were a few different ways we did that.

Fantasies were obviously a big thing, and we took turns to set the scene or role play together. Does your wife want to know how she’d feel to be touched by someone else while you’re in the room? Blindfold her and play with her silently, touching, licking, biting, while she imagines you’re somebody else. Sounds simple, but it works.

We also created a jar of ‘dares’ that lived on a high shelf in our home office, and we would add in things like ‘start a sexy Amazon wishlist,’ ‘Find a dirty story that turns you on and read it to me,’ ‘Write one of your fantasies and email it to me,’ or ‘Send naughty pictures you didn’t take at home...’

One of my favourite nights we had together early on saw us driving to a nearby city, where we didn’t know anyone, for a night. This was really early on in our journey, before we’d met or even started talking to anyone else. I got enormously dolled up and went down to the hotel bar on my own. I was keen to flex my sexy and flirty muscles, and J was excited to watch and see how that made him feel. The hotel bar ended up being really quiet, and there lots of couples in there, so not ideal. I got some smiles and a couple of looks but nobody approached me. And actually it was okay, I enjoyed sitting there feeling good, nursing a glass of wine and feeling J’s eyes - along with a couple of other men’s - on me. After about half an hour, a drink arrived at my table, and the waitress told me it was from the man at the other end of the bar. I looked over and saw J there, smiling at me. After a few minutes he came over and asked if he could join me, much to the interest of the two men sitting at the next table.

For the next hour we played at being strangers. If any of you have ever seen that scene in Modern Family with Claire and Phil in the hotel bar (Clive Bixby and Juliana…) you’ll know what I mean. J picked me up, I flirted back, the people at the nearby tables eavesdropped, and we had a great time. An hour later I invited J to join me in my room, but first I popped to the ladies room, at which point the two men at the next table shook J’s hand and told him “very fucking well done.”

It was fun. We played together. And that’s what this is about. It’s not about any one person getting to go off and have sex with someone else; it’s about the two of you experiencing eroticism and excitement together as a couple, and - initially, certainly - it’s about finding fun ways to do that and test yourselves. So enjoy it!

See you next week,

- The Secret Hotwife