The Secret Hotwife
"Women love sex. We’re taking ownership of our bodies and our sex lives, and feel good doing it. Slut is no longer a dirty word. Yes, it means someone who has multiple casual partners; a woman who is sexually promiscuous. So what? Sounds good..."
What does it really mean to be a Hotwife? What are the realities of being in an open relationship? If you declare yourselves Ethically Non-Monogamous, what are you really signing up for?
It’s probably not quite what you think…
Myth #1 - It’s all about sex
Of course it is about sex… but there’s more to it than that. My husband, J, and I are Ethically Non-Monogamous, but we are Emotionally Monogamous. We don’t have boyfriends or girlfriends, or romantic relationships with other people. ENM speaks to our sex life, so it would make sense that it’s largely about sex.
However, I will say I have genuinely known and liked every person I’ve had an experience with since coming into this lifestyle. With every one of them we’ve spent a little time together, chatted over messages, and met for drinks. There has been a connection and a chemistry which is a big part of what makes those experiences so thrilling.
And while sex is always going to be a central factor in this lifestyle, it’s far from the only one. Between the messaging, the flirting, the fantasising, chatting with people at socials and parties, the dates, and the build-up, the amount of time actually spent having sex is relatively small. But totally worth it. We love the social side of this lifestyle - meeting like-minded friends for dinners and drinks, and being able to share our experiences openly together - as much as any other part of it.
Myth #2 - It destroys marriages
My husband and I have always been close - we were friends for ten years before we became a couple - but there’s no doubt that this has brought us closer.
The idea of getting to a place where nothing between you is off-limits to say, or think, or feel, is pretty amazing. There’s an honesty and an openness that exists now between us that overrides jealousy or any external threat to our relationship. We've worked hard to get to that point, and it feels amazing.
We’ve always had a strong interest in each other’s wellbeing and happiness - that’s what marriage is - but this goes a step further, and puts pleasure up there in that same space. I’m not saying to him: “I want you to be sexually fulfilled, I want you to experience the most amazing things sexually, I want your pleasure at its peak… but only if those things are entirely provided by me.” I’ve taken that caveat away, as he has for me. Now it’s a case of “I want the best for you in all areas of your life, including this one.” This is more commonly known as 'compersion,' which is common in most marriages, though only tends to exist within the sex lives of people who are ethically non-monogamous. Compersion is defined as 'a feeling of joy that comes from celebrating another person's happiness, even if it doesn't direct benefit you.
Someone recently asked J if he’s ever worried that someone will give me something he can’t and his response was: “Not at all. She’s getting the thrill of new experiences with new people. That’s what others bring that I can’t.”
And what he can do is enable me to have that, if I want it. I think that’s pretty special.
Myth #3 - It’s cheating
No, it’s clearly not. This is a lifestyle that is based entirely on mutual respect, consent, and transparency. J and I have very clear boundaries in place. Nobody is running off doing anything they’re not supposed to. And yes, there are things that we are not supposed to do. Those things have changed since we started out; there were a lot more of them in the beginning, and as we’ve pounded out (excuse the pun) our limits and comfort levels, and tried more things together, our boundaries have shifted. And every step of the way, we have communicated them to each other and shifted with them.
Everything that’s done between us is done with knowledge, consent, and for mutual enjoyment. It is a decision we make together.
Myth #4 - It’s for the reckless
I’ve known married couples, who are not in this lifestyle, be far more reckless with each other’s happiness than those within it. Living this way requires emotional maturity and very careful boundary setting (there’s that word again) to do it. If you tried to combine this lifestyle with reckless behaviour, it would be a disaster and everyone would be unhappy. Reckless is the woman sleeping with her co-worker because her husband doesn’t make her feel sexy anymore. Reckless is the married man who is picking up girls on nights out with the lads. Two consenting adults who love each other making a considered choice to explore sexually and responsibly? Not reckless.
Myth #5 - It’s just a phase
Is sex a phase? If you’re lucky enough to be with someone who makes you feel good, and you both work hard at your sex life, there’s no reason to think that’s a phase. This is no different. It's like Pringles: once you pop, it's hard to stop... Opening up our sex life has been eye-opening and I can't imagine ever wanting to go back to the way it was before. It's a part of our sexual language with each other now.
That being said, I do think it’s one of those things that can, for some couples, come in waves. I’ve seen people have a great time together and then make a conscious decision to step back for a while and take a little break. But I know many more for whom this lifestyle is a conscious and long-term choice.
Myth #6 - Swingers will have sex with anyone and everyone
I really don’t agree with this one. I’ve said in a previous column that there seems to be this idea that sexually-open people are stumbling into rooms at sex parties and falling onto the nearest available body part, not even bothering to take the time to check first who it’s attached to.
Not true.
While there are varying levels of pickiness in the lifestyle - as there are in life, how many people do you see in clubs just trying to find someone to go home with at the end of the night..? - that’s not the norm.
Again, I would stress, there’s a key difference between being sexually open and being sexually casual. You’re talking about welcoming someone into your bed, your marriage, your body, and personally I’m picky about that. I receive likes and messages from men on apps daily. If I accepted every offer of sex proffered, I wouldn’t have time in the day for anything else.
We also have clear boundaries that exclude people we know. I’m not eyeing up my best friend’s husband, or the guy I work with, just as I know J isn’t making eyes at our female personal trainer, or my cousin’s friends at a family wedding.
Myth #7 - Everyone has STDs
When I was in my 20s, I had friends who would go home with a different person every weekend, were sleeping with multiple men or women at the same time, and that were incredibly sloppy about using contraceptives.
These were not swingers, these were just 20-something-year-olds.
I believe that people in this lifestyle, for the most part, take sexual health more seriously than the average person who is dating. When you know you‘re going to have multiple partners it’s important to take steps to ensure everyone’s safety.
Do you get checked after every relationship?
Every one-night stand?
Every date you’ve been on that ends in sex?
I do. I always use condoms and, after every new partner, I get fully screened. Most of the people I know in this lifestyle are the same. What we’re doing here is about pleasure and enjoyment, and personally I’m not relaxing and enjoying myself if I’m worried about my health.
Myth #8 - It’s for young people
Sex isn’t just for the young and energetic, and neither is ENM.
Sex is an important, healthy, and fun factor of any relationship - and I stress any. I’ve had messages from people interested in the lifestyle, but concerned they’ve missed the boat. Guys, it’s a big boat.
While there are certain events and socials that aim themselves at a younger audience - 20s to 40s - I’ve seen plenty of people in their 50s and 60s in attendance. There are also a variety of ages on many of the apps we frequent, proving that age really is just a number, and sexiness is a state of mind.
If you want this, go for it. Personally I wish we’d come to it years earlier - we’re both in our early 40s now - but we’ll continue as long as we’re having as much fun as we are.
Myth #9 - Only men want it
Well I know this is untrue because, of all the couples we’ve met in the past two years, just as many women as men have been the ones to bring this up in the relationship. I know there’s this classic idea about men, and the sowing of wild oats, but - and while this is no secret, it’s something that should be repeated loud and often - women love sex. We do, we love sex. We’re taking ownership of our bodies and our sex lives, and feel good doing it. Slut is no longer a dirty word. Yes, it means someone who has multiple casual partners; a woman who is sexually promiscuous. So what? Sounds good. It’s a word that - for a long time - men (usually, and only some men, I’m not generalising) bandied around, because they didn’t think a woman should be overtly sexual and have her own sexual wants and needs.
Now that is a ship that has sailed. I consider myself a modern-day slut, and proud.
Myth #10 - It’s the loss of true intimacy between partners
In my experience, intimacy usually deepens as partners explore this lifestyle together. Two years ago, I probably wouldn’t have volunteered that the film we were watching was one I once saw at the cinema with an ex. I would never have told my husband I liked when an ex did this thing or that thing in bed. I wouldn’t have admitted to enjoying the barman flirting with me on a night out with the girls.
These days, there’s nothing off limits between us. I know I can say anything to this man, and he will support me, and have my back - and that goes both ways. When you take away jealousy and the perception of threat to your relationship, there really are no other barriers left between you. That is intimacy on another level.
See you next week,
- The Secret Hotwife
